Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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