Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
