i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
