I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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