Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
