hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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