I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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