i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
