Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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