U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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