An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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