and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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