I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
