You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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