I wish I only lived at night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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