My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
MIDGETS
????
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
