I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
