i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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