I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize