I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize