I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize