Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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