If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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