Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
