Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize