All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
