Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
