I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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