When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize