What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
