Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize