my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
