A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
