I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
