you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
