theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
