When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
