I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
