I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
