we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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