Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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