He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
