We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
