I want to walk on stilts...naked
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Blood and glitter go together right?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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