Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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