i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
