I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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