don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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