Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
