There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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