I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
They have beer where we have blood.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
