I'm so fucking centered right now
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
