i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
