Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
