yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
